For Larry

For my dearest fan, here's a story related to her Ladyship this past winter by a "friend"

Fatty takes a hike

Had a lovely weekend at the cabin. I should have taken pictures; you all would have gotten a good chuckle. I strapped about 200 lbs of crap onto a sled and loaded it into Jeff's Kia and headed up Friday night.

At the top of the hill by the trash shed at 8:30pm (read very dark) it was freezing and very windy, I figured the road down was a sheet of ice so I backed the Kia to a snow bank and pulled the sled out onto the snow. As I tied the stuff onto the sled earlier that day in my office parking lot I thought, "shit, I'm going to have to get Cindy to help me lift this into the back of the K...uh-oh, how am I going get this out of the back of the Kia when I get up there"? Then I realized that there are steep hills along the road in places; I'll just back up to a snow bank and slide it out. Then (reality check #2) as an outdoorsy, rugged, cutie pie of a patient (who offered to help and didn't even blink at the proposition of dragging a sled, piled 3 ft high with crap, 2 miles to a remote cabin) and I struggled to lift the sled into the back of the Kia, I realized that the spare tire thingy sticks straight back when the hatch is open and I may not be able to back into a snow bank. "Hmmm...; fiddle-de-dee, just have to figure it out when I get there" I thought. I also failed to realize that most of those steep banks have trees and bushes, fortunately that didn't end up being a problem.

I got to the trash shed, after nearly sliding off Flannigan road at the sharp bend, and found a mound of snow where Tim (Log Cabin Guy) had plowed and, turned out it was the perfect height (divine providence #1) so I tied the three-tiered buffet server thing I got for just $9.00 at the outlets onto the top of the pile (yes I had dishes and crocks and a mirror and a framed picture and food and clothes and my brief case and ice skates all loaded on the sled) and pulled the sled out. Reality check #3, wind chill is real. Chuck's hat, while lovely and a treasured gift, is not rated for subzero wind-chills and it's not recommended to expose skin (read fingers tying damp rope onto a sled in the snow) to sub zero wind-chills for more than a few minutes.

After a ten-minute break and a wee bit of pain as I re-warmed my hands Ethel and I were off on the Gayditarod. I pulled the sled away from the Kia and flop; over on it's side it goes. Ok, so maybe it was a little top heavy (reality check #4) I'll just have to keep it on level ground so I'll go the long way down the steep hill and along the lower road.

I had figured that the descent would consist of holding the sled back as it slid down the hill in front of me. Tim had plowed and that meant ice that was pebbly so it was more like dragging it over gravel than over a lovely soft mantle of powdery snow. “That won't bode well for the ropes that wrap under the sled” I thought (Fiddle-de-dee moment #2). I had planned on them just becoming packed with snow and gliding along. Reality check #5; not all winter scenes are postcard perfect. But, the down hill drag was pretty easy, gravity is good. We got to the bottom no problem, no tipping, no broken ropes (divine providence #2). We turned the corner and proceeded along the lower road.

Fortunately the wind was from the west so I was now on the leeward side of the mountain, this won't...be...too ba....d. "Shit, this thing has a high coefficient of friction all of a sudden"; gravity is bad. It was a bit of a trudge now. The lake seemed to have warmed the river valley and the lower road was kind of slushy. In spots, there was even bare gravel. You're thinking about the ropes too aren't you? Least of my worries as I stared up the first incline, gravity is evil! 2?? Lbs, 44yrs old, no exercise for 15 years, a penchant for NY strip smothered in bleu cheese, a 500lb sled, an incline; NOT priceless. I paused every few steps to see if I had pain in my left arm and chest; I had already checked rapid heart rate, sweating and shortness of breath off the list of heart attack symptoms. Oh, and my cell phone battery was dead, not that I would be able to get reception to call 911 anyway. Not really a fiddle-de-dee moment, those happened every time I considered exercising in the past 15 years.

The ropes? Several broke but not the front to back ones that were in a slight hollow in the bottom of the sled, just the ones preventing lateral sway so the load stayed on the sled with minimal floppage and only occasional repositioning (divine providence #3).

On I trudged, endlessly. I was "Sissy"fus, domed to an eternity of dragging a load of lovely silver and bone china buffet service pieces up a never-ending incline on a sled. The clue phone rang and I answered! Reality check #6; I'm an idiot.

Finally, I faced my Everest, I stood at the foot of the steep hill just before our driveway and mustering all my willpower and remaining energy...fuck that "Outward Bound" perseverance/ego gratification psychobabble bullshit, I cut through the neighbors yard to avoid the climb (fearing for my life if I attempted the hill). I knew I probably wouldn't make it all the way to the cabin because of the slope of the neighbor's yards and sure enough just behind the blue house the sled tipped and I gave up. I left the stuff there, and exhausted, went on to the cabin unburdened.

Reality check #7, after all that effort I still have to freakin' haul a load of wood in and get a fire started. After a short rest to breathlessly check in with Jeff, I got a load of wood in and a fire going and then made about 8 trips back and forth to bring the stuff off the sled into the cabin (see reality check #6). My muscles were aching. I was exhausted. I resolved to start exercising first thing Monday but I was hungry and still had to make dinner. Of course, a big, thick, juicy NY strip smothered in bleu cheese. It was delicious!

I slept like a baby and woke up like an old man, my leg and back muscles were stiff and achy but it was a beautiful day, sunny and clear. The rest of the weekend is boring to read about. Brisk cold walks in the snow, a toasty warm fire, the quiet stillness of winter, a hawk gracefully soaring over the lake right in front of the cabin. It really is spectacular up there in the winter. Sometimes the solitude is nice but maybe next winter I can talk someone else into coming up. I'm sure I can borrow 2 sleds (reality check #8???).